Quotes tagged "humor"
Every time I feel the urge to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
All right, they're on our left, they're on our right, they're in front of us, they're behind us... they can't get away this time.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Some persons are likeable in spite of their unswerving integrity.
It's not that I'm lazy. It's that I just don't care.
Yes, there's an undeniable magic to the holidays. If you even tried to deny the magic, people would beat you with red felt stockings full of coal and toy trains until you suffered massive brain damage and started to believe that it's okay for fat men in red suits to break into your house through your chimney. So suck on that, Mr./Ms./Mrs./Dr. Denyeverything O'Denialstein (Irish and Jewish - a potent combination).
Somewhere, there is a very fat and very naked hairy man jumping up and down in the shower singing a country song. Think about that the next time you ask to be omniscient.
I used to love Christmas up until Mother Nature fucked me over and the entire population decided to get candy canes shoved up their asses.
Sometimes I read the psychological profile headquarters did on me a few years ago, but it's complete nonsense. It's entitled 'Sociopath in the Forest', but I've been down every path and trail in these woods, and I can tell you there's no such thing.
Friends! Friends! Surely you're not going to eat before we say robot grace. In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jer-a-matic, one zero zero zero one zero one zero one zero one zero one ... zero zero one zero one one zero zero one...two. Amen.
For 10 points: When traveling at a subsonic speed during the last one hour of hypersleep, which vector of the romulon nebula will suffer the wrath of the impenetrable quickening? And for extra points, how many wraths till the nearest molton? Be specific, this is a real question.
All this inspirational multi-culturalism is angrying up my blood!